Choices and Dreams
Had kind of an interesting day at work today. Well, the last half of it was interesting; the first half bored me to tears.
First, we had an office party. We have them pretty much every month, to celebrate the birthdays for that month — it’s pretty cool. If nothing else, it’s an excuse to get away from the monitors for a little while.
This time though, they were celebrating because, aside from the birthdays, we just had our big trade show — RSNA — and our product was a big hit. I sat out most of the fireworks leading up to the trade show for personal reasons, so I kinda kept my distance throughout. Didn’t really feel like it was my thing, you know? Honestly, it felt kinda sad, watching every one else celebrate and feeling (entirely of my own volition, I assure you) a little left out.
Anyways, after that, my manager calls me in to talk to me. He’s been wanting to talk to me ever since I returned, so I was curious as to what exactly it was about. Basically, it was an “are-you-sure-you-can-do-this-job-we-need-you-to-be-focused” kinda talk. After that, I started feeling a little more in the game, you know? I mean, I wasn’t chomping at the bit to get working or anything, but it got me going a little.
See, both of these are related in my mind. The party was kinda something I always wanted to be a part of. I always wanted to be the corporate kinda guy, where you do trade shows and you work long hours and everything. Then you celebrate with the staff on a job well done. The lecture, well, I never really expected to have such a talk. I always expected myself to be on top of the game, if that makes sense.
And I know I could be. This’ll probably sound pretty damned arrogant, but I know I could be a damned good coder there if I wanted to give the effort.
The problem arises in my writing. I want to give my effort to that. I want to devote my time and energy to working on characters and plot sketches and stuff like that. I don’t want to be the corporate kinda guy anymore. I don’t really care about getting an office or anything like that anymore; I’ve … well … honestly I gave up on that dream, because it just didn’t seem realistic, knowing myself the way I do.
And the time that I’ve spent in the past couple of months pursuing the writing gig, well, that was wonderful. That felt real. That felt like I was being authentic, being honest with myself, instead of trying to be something I’m not. It was hard work, but it was effortless and honest hard work.
So where do I go? Love or money, the eternal question… Not that I really need to be asking it right now anyways. The answer is pretty obvious at the moment: there’s too many bills that need to be paid, and I’m not making a dime at the pen yet. But still, now I’m in a position to get/have a dream I used to have, when it’s no longer the dream I want.
What would you do, in that situation? Pursue the old dream, because it’s pretty much already there? Or would you puruse the dream you have at the moment? I always hear people talk about “always follow your dreams”, but I can’t say I’ve ever heard any advice on what to do when your dreams change…
Anyways, it’s bedtime, so I’ll catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
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5 Responses to “Choices and Dreams”
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Go for the writing, but keep your day job until you’re selling well enough to make a living at it. Very, very few writers do. I’m probably close to twice your age, and I speak from experience…
Hey Barrie, thanks for the comment. That’s definitely sound advice, and what I’ll probably do. My only problem is that I get so focused on something — whether it’s writing or software development or music or whatever — that it’s hard to concentrate on anything else.
But, I guess that’s definitely something to work on, and it’s the struggles we go through to make ourselves better that define life.
Hey,
This is exactly what I am going through at the moment in my life. It’s been two years since I’ve been working and my job is too stressful and tiring with no proper timings. I am good at my job. I so wanted this life and am doing good comparing the time that I’ve spent working.
But I know that I totally love writing also. And it gives me peace. But yes, I too will continue working since at least in Pakistan there is very little scope if I leave the job and just focus on writing.
You should continue working but dont give up on writing. Patience is required and you’ll get good results and then you can switch at the right time.
Hey Matt
I am also in the IT industry, and 2009’s goal is to replace 20% of my income from writing, while also completing the first draft of my first novel.
My advice, contract. I am lucky enough to have been contracting for about 5 years, plus have got myself into a niche. Basically I work 4 days a week on my main contract giving me a day to work on other ventures.
I have also started to get disciplined enough to get up really early or stay up quite late and dedicate time to writing.
My favourite quote is:
Do not wait; the time will never be “just right.” Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.
- Napoleon Hill
It applies to writing as well.
See you on Twitter!
– Karl Rohde
Ha!
You would think that they world have OK’d it at the beginning instead of allowing it to go so long without saying a thing and then bringing it back up when it was too late. I don’t understand it at all. Vazomyne