Out of the Fight For Now
Got a decent nap today; that seemed to put me back in a “normal” mood. Unfortunately, I think the missus is still a little angry with me for how I’ve been acting, but hopefully that’ll clear up. It’s also dinner time, and the end of the weekend, neither of which make for a good mood. Anyways…Been doing a lot of thinking along the lines of programming. I miss doing javascript stuff at my last job, so I’ve been playing with it the past few days. Fun stuff. I might try and do a couple of little posts on it, but don’t get your hopes up ;)
Went to Sears and got the plugin for the dryer that should be coming tomorrow. That’ll be nice; no more standing around at the laundromat; and I’ll be able to do at least my own laundry every once in a while instead of relyng on the wife to do it with everything else.
I want to say thank you to someone right now, for something they’re helping us with. You know who you are and what you’re doing, so I’m not going to mention anything; thank you though.
God, I feel like I’ve been asleep for days… If you’ve never had to deal with depression, you’re lucky. It’s definitely not fun (well, by definition it’s not fun, but you know what I mean). I’m not sure if I want to try and do damage control or just pick up and move on. I don’t think I pissed anyone off while I was in the fight; if I did, let me know and I’ll try to take care of it.
Okay, I think dinner’s almost ready, so I’m going to cut this short. Have fun, where ever you may be.
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In The Fight: Big Surprise
November 22, 2008 · Posted in Better Left Unsaid · Comments Off
Well, today was “day 2″ of my whole away-from-book-promo life, and I spent most of it in the fight. Bad, too: spent all day trying to sleep and not succeeding very well; still tired as hell. Miserable all day, sad, lonely, the whole nine yards. Pretty much expected this after trying so hard with the book crap. The wife’s getting tired of it, and I can’t very well blame her — hell, I’m tired of it too. But what can you do?I don’t know what’s up. Thought the meds were working good, but apparently not. Aside from everything else, I was very much in an “ASH” kinda mood today — I’m not going to explain it; you can google it if you’d like, but I don’t promise you’ll find out. No biggie anyways.
Watched “Celebrity Rehab” tonight with the missus, and it brought UBH back. Kinda miss that place. Having to be there sucked, but at the same time, it was a good environment (strangely enough, being around a bunch of addicts and loonies was quite calming for me — I felt in my own habitat). That and I could sleep all day if I wanted to; no one would’ve cared.
We did talk about good stuff tonight. The missus asked if I’d ever thought of becoming a teacher. Strangely enough, that’s a career path I’ve given lots of thought to, I just don’t know what the hell to teach. English? Computers (ugh…)? Music? Psychology? History? Middle School? High School? College? Then there’s the whole finance crap — have to pay UTEP off before I can get my transcript and go for financial aid. Course, I know a lot of people will say “Just do it, it’s not that big of a deal,” but that’s one of the fun things of being in the ring with yourself: everything’s a big deal.
Anyways, I think the missus is going to bed, so I’d better mosey that way too.
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Guest Post: Case Study by Tim Desmond
October 24, 2008 · Posted in Guest Posts · Comment
Continuing the series on depression, I’m proud to offer the first Chocolate for Dogs guest post: a case study of a depressed individual given by Tim Desmond. It’s really interesting reading, and I hope you enjoy it.Tim Desmond offers phone counseling and training for therapists through his website, www.coherencecounseling.com
Self esteem, self acceptance and a sense of self-worth are vital to feeling happy. When we lose the sense that we are worthy or loveable, it is easy to become depressed. The following is an example of a depressed client finding that her depression had been rooted in both seeing herself as worthless, and in wanting to avoid engaging with the world. Through having a deep experience of her hidden purposes for being depressed, they are no longer compelling and she quickly recovers.
Mary, a social worker from Portland, OR, had been unable to work for three months prior to calling me because of severe depression. In our first session she shared about her strongly negative self-talk. She had a powerful inner-critic and try as she might, she had been unable to stop thinking this way.
I wondered why her self-talk was so unkind, so I asked her to imagine what it would be like to really know that she was a good person and deserved love. She tried, but could not even imagine what it would be like. She said, “I just can’t go there. It’s just not real.” I sat with her for a minute or so just connecting with what it must be like to be unable to even imagine seeing yourself as a good person. Then I asked her to try saying, “I am unwilling to even imagine seeing myself as a good person because…” and to finish that sentence without pre-thinking the ending.
Just then, she told me that she had a flash of what she was like in high school. She said that she was miserable at home with her verbally abusive parents, but that as soon as she arrived at school, she was happy and filled with confidence. I wondered why and asked how she made sense of the difference. She told me that she was getting excellent grades in high school and the editor of her year book. She said it was the only time in her life she had felt confident, and that her confidence had lead to having lots of friends. When I asked when it went away, she said that she had always felt horrible at home. She told me that when she went to college, she visited a counselor to try to work out some of her issues with her family and that he had put her on a serious psychiatric drug. She had very bad side effects from it and was no longer able to excel in her classes, which had a strong impact on her confidence. We paused for a while to grieve that terrible mistake.
I then brought us back to her purpose in calling me — relieving her depression. I asked her to remember what is was like to arrive at high school and go from feeling depressed to confident. I asked her to try to picture herself just as the change was happening in the morning and waited for her to do so. When she was there, I asked her to say, “The thing that’s different now is…” and to finish that sentence. She said, “The difference here is that people think I’m special.” and started to cry. At this point, I felt like I was beginning to understand. It seemed to me that when people were treating her like she was special, she felt good about herself, and when they were not she felt bad. I wondered if that was still true.
I asked to try imagining herself in high school and saying, “When I feel bad about myself, it is because people are treating me like I don’t matter. When I feel good, it is because they are treating me like I’m special.” When she repeated those sentences, she said they felt powerfully true. I asked her to try saying them again as her adult self. She did and cried more, realizing how rarely people ever treat her like she is special any more. With just a few minutes left, I asked her to write down those sentences and spend at least five minutes with them twice a day. When scheduled our next session for three weeks later to give her time to process what we had uncovered.
At the beginning of our next session, Mary told me she was feeling much better than she had in a long time, but she was very adamant that she was not entirely better. She said that she was now able to make sense out of her low self esteem, and that it no longer felt like something that was intrinsic to who she was. She said that her depression was much better but that it was definitely still there.
That made sense to me, because I still didn’t understand exactly why she would feel bad about herself when other people were uncaring to her, as opposed to getting angry, trying to please them, or any of the other possible responses people have. I find that it is important to discover the sense to all of these questions for the deepest kind of change to happen.
I asked her to imagine herself when she would first become depressed, and I asked how old she was. She was seven, and I asked Mary if she could try to become that little girl for a while so I could talk to her. When she was ready I said hello and asked the little girl if she gets depressed. She said she does because her mom is really mean and calls her names. I told her I was sorry that her mom did that. Then I asked if she knows grown-up Mary, and she said she did. I asked her to tell grown-up Mary what she should do when people are mean to her. She said, “What should she do when people are being mean to her?” and fell silent for a few moments. She said, “If you get depressed, you don’t have to do anything.” and paused a long time. She continued, “If you get depressed, you can just sit around and you don’t have to do anything.” Judging by her tone of voice and the long drawn out pauses, I knew that she was in a deep place and I let her have as much time there as she needed. We spend the rest of the session saying those sentences and letting them feel true. When we ended, she thought she would need a month to process what had happened. However, she called a few days prior to her appointment and cancelled saying that she had fully recovered and was working again.
Mary had two distinct purposes for being depressed, and each of them only needed to be partially discovered in order to change. First, she learned that she felt bad about herself not because she was a defective person, but that she felt that way when people were being unkind to her. Her purpose for seeing herself as deserving the treatment she got could have been to avoid abandonment, feel like the world is a place with justice, or any number of others. However, when she realized that it changed depending on how she was being treated, she realized that it did not mean she was inherently defective, and it no longer felt as true. Second, she realized that being depressed had always been a way to avoid “having to do anything.” I’m not sure if her depression had served as safe hiding place or a way to get people to do things for her, but when she experienced it as something she did for a purpose, it was no longer something out of her control.
Podcast: In The Fight
This go-round I’m building off of the post Dealing With Depression: Tips For Loved Ones, and talking about depression. I also answer the first mailbag question; make sure to send yours in using the contact page.In The Fight (~10:00)
Dealing With Depression — Tips For Loved Ones
October 17, 2008 · Posted in General · 2 Comments
I’ve been known to suffer from depression every once in a while in my time. It’s not pleasant, by any stretch, of course — hell, by definition it’s not pleasant. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that depression doesn’t just affect the person dealing with it, but those around them as well. You start to feel responsible, you start to get miserable because you can’t help them, you start feeling obligated to be with them. It’s miserable. You either hide your own emotions because you don’t want to put any more stress on them, or you let it out and then they start to feel worse. It’s a lose-lose proposition.There’s a few things you can do to help out. They aren’t really that difficult, and they can make a world of difference — I speak from personal experience. They’ll make your life easier in the long run. Just a note: I’m not a mental health professional, and I don’t claim to be. These are simply suggestions that, from experience, seem to work pretty well. Your mileage may very.
1) Listen to them. This is the most important thing. Let them talk about how they feel, what’s bothering them, and do it without criticizing or even offering suggestions (unless they ask). A lot of times, someone who’s depressed just wants to vent, they just want someone to understand them. They may know that what they feel isn’t the way they should feel, but they can’t help it.
2) Try to get them professional help. Sometimes it’s not financially possible, of course, but a lot of times its worth it even if you have to tighten your belt. Odds are better than even money they won’t want to go for it; try to talk them into it without pressuring them. Offer to go with them — or stay away — if it’ll help.
3) Don’t ever say “Well, it could be worse,” or “Just suck it up.” When you’re suffering from a bout of depression, the littlest thing is a crisis, and comparing that crisis to, for example, being homeless or unemployed just makes it worse. Then the person has their initial problem(s) as well as feeling like they just aren’t strong enough to deal with life.
4) Be patient. Even if they’re seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, don’t expect a quick fix. Most medicines take several weeks to have any affect. Therapy takes longer in most cases (though, in my experience, therapy can show some immediate results — even just the act of talking things out to an unbiased ear helps).
5) Be supportive. Help out with their therapy if possible. Talk to them about it, how their sessions went. Don’t be embarrassed if they talk about personal stuff, and don’t hold it against them if they may even talk negatively of you during their sessions. Depression distorts reality, big time. Try to find out — without pushing too hard, because they may just close up on you — why they talked about what they did, and what you might be able to do to help the situation.
6) Take any talk of suicide seriously. It’s a big deal, but don’t instantly assume that they just want to die just for the sake of dying. There’s an old saying — I forget where it’s from — that “those who wish for death simply wish for a fuller life.” That’s very true; a healthy mind never wishes for death, it’s our most primal instinct. Depression makes it difficult to see how full one’s life really is, to see the good things in one’s life and enjoy them. That said, at the same time thoughts of suicide can also be very comforting to a depressed individual, even if they aren’t seriously considering it. Just knowing you have a way out can make things seem much better. Still, take it seriously and keep an eye on them. If they start doing things that make it seem more possible, call a medical professional or a suicide hotline in your area. Seriously — do not pass go, do not collect $200, reach for the phone and talk to someone.
7) Take time for yourself. This is probably the second most important item, but I wanted to save it for last anyways. It’s a lot easier than most people would believe to get burnt out trying to help someone who’s suffering from depression. It takes a tremendous toll on you. You need a break every once in a while, so take time to go for a jog, read a book, enjoy a hot bath, anything that will help relax you and get your mind off of the other person for a little while. This will keep you from burning out, making your life a little better and also allowing you to help them more — two people with depression or burn-out can’t help each other.
Depression can be — and most often is — very debilitating, to the person suffering from it and to those around them. These suggestions definitely don’t take the place of professional help, but hopefully they can make things a little easier on both you and your loved one.
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